Why Asian women definitely can't have it all?

Social Media and Internet is abuzz with discussions after the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg called to reboot feminism with her new book Lean In - Women, Work and the Will to Lead.

Based on one of the article - Why women can't have it all, my personal opinion is that an average Asian Women*, across all economic barriers and all sections of the society, definitely cannot have it all. Here are 10 reasons for that.

1. Asian society is inherently patriarchal.
    Men are breadwinners and Women are caregivers.

2. Most Asian societies prefer a male over a female child.  
    Family tree is traced by the male members of the family.

3. Education is unequal. 
    My father didn't have the money to give equal education to all of us, only boys went to good schools.

4. Marriages are unequal. 
    I want marry a girl who is less ambitious.

5. Women are expected to be selfless and maternal with kids on top of their priority list.
     I don't have any problems with my fiance working till we have a baby.

6. Women are groomed to backup men and not compete with them.
    Why do you want to study so much? What more do girls these days want?

7. Men (and Women) do and say sexist things, without even realizing it.
    What is the need for her to work when her husband has such a high profile job. She can quit and stay at home to look after her kids.

8. It's an uphill struggle for women who wants to have it all.
    You girls do not go with the flow by fighting against the system. You are the rebellious generation.

9. Being gentle and mellow are more likeable attributes in women.
    Women who appear competent are often perceived as less likeable. Men don't face this. - Deborah Gruenfeld, Professor of Leadership & Organizational Behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business

10. Most women don't even dream big because they are told "women can't have it all". 
    The word “ambition” for women is a troublesome one in Asia, often equated with evil and greed. - Jane Horan, the founder a diversity workplace advisory organisation, Singapore.

Disclaimer:
*My opinion is based on my experience working with many Asians and my travels to South, East and South-East Asian countries. I have no personal experience of other parts of Asia, so this generalization does not apply to North and west Asia.

Confessions of a love affair

My friends at office introduced me to him. I was skeptical of meeting him, but they insisted. They told me that he was charming and irresistible - a dangerous combination. I laughed at them. They smiled at each other, a know-it-all smile.

I didn't know what I was getting into. It initially was just a tea time meeting, he would come with my friends. If he joined us for lunch it would be a longer rendezvous. He was silently charming. I would return fresh and delighted after meeting him. He had me now. Soon, I found myself waiting for our lunch time meetings. I had a longing to meet him. I would blush and giggle like a small girl in his company. 

As days passed I became restless. I wanted more of him. Meeting him just at lunch time was not enough. I wanted him all for myself. I wanted his undivided attention. I talked to my friends about him. They were surprised that in-spite of being a mother, I am doing this. They asked me if I have told my husband about it. I didn't want to answer that question. They warned me that it would be difficult to hide him in this era of social media. But I didn't care.

I began spending more time alone with him. I would meet him in between work, in break time, in free time. I would think about him all the time - in meetings, at home, while sleeping and eating. Sometimes I even ignored my daughter.

Then I crossed the line. I went to bed with him. 

After this I started feeling miserable. My shoulders and back suffered, my whole body ached. I wanted to stay away from him, but it became more and more difficult to keep him away. I devised plans to avoid him. I ignored him, thrashed him and abused him. He wouldn't give up. I had decided. I had to get rid of him to maintain my sanity. 

And today I finally did it. 

I deleted him from my iPhone. I had a great affair with Candy crush saga, but I have to move on.

Until I fall in love again, with someone else.

Find the Balance

Originally posted on Parentous.

Have you thought about how some people achieve more things in 24hours of a day than you, how some people cruise through life without cribbing, how some people are happy even without doing much in 24 hours? The common answer I get, silly albeit, is that the person is either unmarried or doesn’t have kids. For such I say, grow up.

Ever since I became pregnant, I had decided that I would not use my kid as an excuse to crib or slack. I took a break from every other aspect of my life when my daughter was born. I wanted to take it slow, but not forever. I had decided that being a mom would not be my sole identity. I wanted to do a lot with my 24 hours. I knew such a life was going to be stressful.

The researcher in me awoke - searching the net and real life for inspirations. I know women who are really ambitious, travel extensively, study after having a kid, leave kids with parents and work in another city. On the other end, I have seen women who dedicate themselves to child rearing and home making completely with satisfaction. I admire those women who smile and live by their decision confidently.

The story of my life currently is this. My daughter is now 4 years old, more demanding than ever. I have a full time job, I exercise, I blog, I read (my target is usually 20-25 books per year, that is roughly 2 books every month). I spend a lot of time with friends. I indulge in simple me-time like shopping or a massage. Adding to the chaos, we have a pet dog. There is another person who gets a major slice of my time – not to forget my dear, loving husband, who becomes a child as soon as our daughter gets sick.

Yes, I have more mature lines on my face now. Yes, I have become thinner and look less attractive than 5 years ago. But I am happy and that is the key.

These are the tips that I would give to find the balance in life. 

Have a support system: 
“Behind every successful woman, there is another woman - her domestic help”

Have someone to fall back to – family, friends or hired help. You need a break once in a while. Besides, doing everything by yourself is the sure-fire way to get frustrated and look 50 at 30. Hire a part-time domestic help or a nanny. Know what to give up and when. If you decide to pursue other activities, send your kids to playschool, as soon as you can. I sent mine at 18 months - for couple of hours. You both learn to give each other some space early on. Your kid will get sick more often. This only helps them in building immunity early on. They fall sick even when you put them to school at 4 years. 

Get your priorities right: 
If you think you can do it all by yourself, you must be kidding! You are not a super woman. You can't possibly go to work, cook three meals a day, have a spotless house, not send your kid to playschool/daycare and have a good night’s sleep – all in one life. Make a choice and stick to it – go to work or stay at home. Accept the side-effects of the decision. Whenever you get those infamous guilt attacks, remind yourself of your priorities.

Don’t blame your husband: 
I have observed this in many Indian families. Indian husbands are breadwinners and that’s what they do best. Most of the men "help" mothers in child rearing but they play secondary roles, as backup. The sooner you accept this, the better it is for you. Our husbands are a lot better than our fathers. We can leave the kids with them behind for the evening and go on a ladies night out. But it is still far for Indian men to take 2-3 kids alone to the zoo/water park, all by themselves. I have not seen such an Indian man, so far!

If it is of any solace, this generalization can be extended to all Asian families. Asian women are the primary care givers of their offspring. 

Simplify your life: 
You knew this was coming, didn’t you? If you have something to crib about, that needs to be sorted out. You have to find tips to manage that aspect. God helps those who help themselves. Be it morning madness, bedtime struggles, irritating co-worker, idle mind or boredom. Find ways to be happy and productive. Find a hobby, learn a new activity and give space to each other in every relationship.

I remember reading this somewhere: "The busy man is never wise and the wise man is never busy”

Don’t be too busy to take part in the important things in your life. Take time to slow down without being stagnant. 

Care to share your tips to find the right balance?

What's your look?

"Short plump girl"
"That short, dark girl with specs"
"That short girl with messy curls"
These are some of the ways I have been referred to as. These are what forms my external appearance. 

We have specific physical characteristics that makes us look the way we do. It could be long hair, broad face, tall/short in height, our build - petite, slim or curvy, and other accessories like specs or jewelery. It could even be our birth marks - a big mole under lip, birth mark on cheeks and so on. These are what makes our external appearance. What if these external traits become our unique identity, like our personal postal code?

We are not happy with all of our physical characteristics. No one is happy with the way they look, it is just that one learns to accept it. We always wish for that physical trait of ours to change. We wish for a generous couple of inches of height, a more curvier shape or thinner structure, beautiful hair, fairer or darker skin color or something else. What if that aspect of yours, that you hate much, becomes your identity? Like you are always referred to as "the short, fat girl", "the girl with long messy hair", "the guy with a mark on his chin", "that old lady who limps" and so on.

This reference creates negativity in your mind subconsciously. Even though you have come to accept the trait, you will remember the person who made that remark. The person might have involuntarily made that casual remark based on the impression he has formed of you. But that person becomes 'the one who called you short'. Your mind forms hostility towards that person and chances of any friendlier relationship becomes remote. 

There are many positive physical attributes of a person that is not hurtful or derogatory. These physical traits can be an alternative to a compliment. Like "the girl who has a smiling face", "the one who has luscious hair", "the guy who looks like Brad Pitt" and so on. Another way to identify a person is by indicating something that he is good at. "The one who sings well", "the one who dances well", "the one who paints well".

If you do not personally know someone, you can still identify/refer to him by his positive physical traits. If its an office setting, you could identify someone based on what and with whom he works. If its a family setting, it could be based on the relationship.

It takes very little effort to be a bit more sensitive towards others. It takes you a long way by not being mean or hurtful, even unintentionally. By making a mental note of a positive physical trait or achievement of every person you meet or interact, even subconsciously, you will not be making rude remarks about the person.

"If you cant speak good about someone, don't speak at all!!"

- Anonymous wise person

Chocolate Souffle

My first attempt at fiction ... I welcome feedback .
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Slowly, she moved to the dark kitchen and stood aimlessly thinking what she wanted to do. Her mind was preoccupied. She searched her busy mind for the purpose. She moved her hands on the cool kitchen top which had been wiped clean. She reached for the light switch at the end of the kitchen counter. There was abundant natural sunlight inside the house. All the rooms of the house had big windows, so the house didn't need electric lights in the morning. But it was the opposite in the kitchen, the lone dark spot of the house. Once her eyes adjusted to yellowish light, it fell on the butter at the corner of the stove. Yes! She had wanted to bake a cake.

She scooped four tablespoons of butter into microwave bowl. She added 3/4th cup of semi sweet chocolate with butter. She put this into the microwave to melt and set 40 seconds on timer. They both had not been talking since yesterday. In-spite of this, he had bought all the ingredients for cake. He knew she couldn't bake cake alone. She needed help to crack open the egg. Besides, they had always baked cakes together. The microwave beep brought her back into action. He was roaming outside in the living room as if he was waiting for an invitation to come in to join her. And she needed him. "Would you crack these eggs for me?". He quickly washed his hands and joined her in the kitchen. He wiped his hands using the towel on his shoulders. A towel on his shoulder was something that she found very cute about him.

He separated 4 egg whites from egg yolks. He set on the electric mixer to whisk egg whites. They spoke nothing else, still holding onto their silence. She added 2/3rd cup caster sugar and a spoon of vanilla essence to the egg yolks. She whisked it for a couple of minutes until sugar is well blended with eggs. To this she added chocolate and butter mixture.

They had always baked cakes together. He would eagerly sit in front of oven and watch how the cake raises and browns on the top. She set the oven temperature to 220c and switched it on to preheat. He stood by and watched her delicately fold the egg white into the chocolate mixture. Using a large spatula she cut a path down the middle of the mixture with the edge of the spatula. She then gently turned half of the mixture over to the other half. She continued folding this way without stirring so as to retain the air that is in the beaten whites.

She drifted off again, to yesterday's incident. Something he did irked her very much that she had snapped at him. In retrospect it had been for a very silly reason, but she was not yet ready to talk for the fear that she might say something rude to him. During a fight he always fell silent, he never spoke rudely. But she always spoke her mind even when she was angry. That made matters worse and she had learned over years to hold back when angry. She didn't want it to turn into an ugly war of words. Its better to be silent and sleep over it for a couple of days. 

"I think its done" he said. He was right. The egg white meringue was thoroughly folded into chocolate batter. Together they scooped the batter into muffin molds. He slid the muffin mold into hot oven and stood watching in front of the oven, like he always does. He watched as the souffle raised. They both were comfortable with the silence. She got busy cleaning up the kitchen top, putting away dishes to wash. The smell of chocolate baking in the oven filled the kitchen. It was nostalgic. He began washing up the dishes. Both were lost in the noise - of buzzing oven, of clanking dishes, of running tap water and of their own thoughts.

They let souffle bake for 10-12 minutes till the top settled and browned a bit. Once out, they both dug in while souffle was still hot. He commented on how each souffle has turned out and she commented on what could be better next time. Together they ate their favourite dessert in the same cup. The fight was all forgotten, at-least, till there was chocolate in the cup.

Just one failure ..

Few things happening over past few days that makes me really think, really doubt myself as a mom ... makes me wonder if I am doing a good job .. those days when I read too much into what I am doing .. those days when I am all consumed by guilt ...

What is right? what is wrong? who decides that?
May be I should relax a bit, after-all, who do I care more for?
Why do I judge myself? Why am I harsh on myself?
Why do I try to be perfect? Its OK to fail ... once in a while!

All my stress shows on kiddo too ...
The more stressed I am, the more upset she gets..
My irritation becomes her anxiety ...
My self doubts becomes hindrance to her self esteem ...

Its as if she is still attached to my umbilical cord ..

I hold my breathe, she gets suffocated ...
I go hungry, she cries ...
I am sleepy, she gets cranky ..
I am tired, she feels the pain ...
I am unhappy, she is gloomy ...

I am  happy, she is a bundle of joy ...
That all I want for her ...

Its just one of those days ..
just ...
one ..
failure ..

I promise you baby ... I will give you little more than my best!

Preoccupied

My sis buzzed me, the other day, while I was having dinner. She told me that mom wants to video chat with my kiddo. I assured my sis that I will go online once I am finished with my dinner.

One thing led to another, and it completely wiped out from my memory that I was expected online. What’s worse, I didn't even recall it until mom reminded me the next day when I called her. She told me that she waited for a long time. I was helplessly overridden with guilt.

My sis called it absent mindedness. I termed it preoccupation. That incident bugged me a lot. How could I not keep track of what had happened just 5 minutes ago? Can’t I survive without my lists and reminders?

It haunted me, that night, in my dreams too.

My flight to, err somewhere, returned back and landed just 5 minutes after takeoff, to desert me back at the airport. The captain of the plane had received signal from the ground that a certain passenger was flying in that flight without a valid visa to enter destination!!

Now, that’s expensive - to be thrown out of a flight. It’s time to write reminders on my body, a la Aamir Khan from the movie Ghajini.